This blog has been a little dead lately, so I am pretty sure that 80% of the people who clicked on this post know me, in a way or the other. You were, still are or just stepped into my life recently. Since a fraction of my life is out on display in the wild wild web, it’s kind of obvious that a life update might spark up some curiosity. Fun fact is that I am not even doing it for you reading it. For the most part it’s for me.
I’ve always been great into putting things into words that were spinning in my head and driving me crazy. This time is no different. I want to have things summarized here, in order to come back to it some day. And I feel this is an act for me to let go of some dusty remainings that sometimes still pop up in my head, because I am human.
It was never my intention to let go of this blog. At some point I just felt that people aren’t really eager to read stuff I spent hours on, scrolling through pretty pictures on Instagram is the easier way nowadays. Plus, there was a lot of stuff going on the past two years, and there is only so much time to cope. So get ready, this most likely will be a long one. A personal one, so personal I will hit publish before I think to erase it all. But make yourself comfy. Grab some tea. Or wine. Let’s go.
Where I was
Two years ago this blog was at its peak of articles published. I had a lot of time on my hands, a lot of trips and awesome collaborations lined up, looking back I had the time of my life and was (and still am) super grateful for all the things I’ve got to experience with this thing here. If it ever gave you the illusion that I was making any income out of it, that wasn’t really the case. This blog might has generated a month’s worth of rent all these years, I wasn’t buying my groceries or paying my bills with it. Still, it is a great way to share what moved me so far, in terms of travels, festivals, concerts I got to shoot. For me it’s still a sort of digital diary, sometimes I forget that complete strangers can read it. Reading the experiences of the past five years seems looking at a complete different person. Sometimes it’s embarassing, sometimes it makes me laugh.
But I had to eat. So at the time I was floating around from one temporary job to another, not being able to wrap my head around the fact on why things weren’t working out properly, secretly holding on to a piece of paper. My CV. This thing that has to remain meticolous, look how far I’ve come, I can’t mess up all the hard work I’ve put into building a decent passage into adulthood. I moved to Switzerland at age 15, so I had to work harder to become someone. Or at least, that’s what I was told.
Then when that long awaited stable job came, I burned out. It is how it was. Body could not handle, mind either, so it was clear that something had to change. I am not going into detail otherwise I’ll be writing a memoir, but it wasn’t fun, one summer followed with me waking up everyday at 3PM, while people were out swimming in lakes. I got already exhausted by cooking lunch. If I managed to clean my apartment, it had to be celebrated.
On one of the rare occasions I managed to drag my ass out of home, I met up with a former co-worker of mine. She’s a bartender and easy going. I knew I could be totally open about my current situation without the stingy feeling into my stomach of being judged. We happened to talk about work and how it’s perceived by society, and she was one of the portals of change when it came to this matter. “You know”, she told me, “when people ask me what I do, and they look disgusted because I wait tables at the age of 30, I couldn’t give a flying fuck, because I am not my job. I am me.” – THIS.
So after this little summer of hell, I lifted myself up from my crying corner (my hallway), and did a bartending course. Because I enjoyed it and saw it as a potential fun thing to do in the future. Soon after I started to work by accident for a CBD start up. I was barely paid, I didn’t know anything about weed, but my gut feeling told me I should just go for it. In fact, I was doing all the things I enjoyed the most. Translating stuff, shooting pictures, writing content, and the best reward was the gratitude I got. I was seen. My talent was seen. Me, a multi faceted being, found a way to melt all the knowledge in one pot.
I finally started to get it. I was already two years in into meditation, journaling, making vision boards and all the woo woo things you read in books like “The Secret”. I finally got that if my stomach says YES, no matter what it is, it will probably be great. Soon after I realized that I could do my job for the cannabis dudes from wherever I wanted, and a change of air was what I needed. So I played digital nomad for a while, bought a one way ticket and went to Asia by myself. It was my first major trip alone. And it was probably the most uplifting and exhausting thing I’ve ever done in my life. I learned to be fine in my own company, to travel at my own pace, how I wanted, no strings attached, no plans. I wanted to test my self discipline in terms of work and I can truly say I slayed. I started to define myself as me and not by external factors. If I was about to go back and cleaning toilets would have been my faith for a while, so be it.
I started to fall in love with coincidences. I even fell in love a little. I had people coming back into my life in places far away from home, out of nothing, but somehow showing up at the right time. So for once I tried not to be afraid of connecting, speaking up, and being myself. I tried as much as I could to be fearless, to risk, let walls down and let feelings speak up. I allowed myself to be shaken to the core, for a glimpse of a moment I even thought I might have found somebody that sees me as me, as a person worth staying. And not leaving. It obviously did not work out (shock) but if there is one thing I am grateful for, is the fact that I was able to feel emotions I thought were buried away forever. I was numb when I arrived in Asia, and came out of it a bit softer, gentler instead of full of anger when these things take the wrong course – but that’s how it works its wonders sometimes. I am not even mad. I believe that if people truly want your best or feel something your way, they find their way back. Maybe. If they step out of their ego.
I changed my way to travel. I do it slower. I want to enjoy places. Hopping from thing to thing every three days over 5 continents isn’t only unethical, but honestly tiring as fuck. Did that, not anymore. Now I travel for places to see, yes, obviously, but it goes a bit more beyond than that. I want to live it a little more. I base myself where I have access to things I love doing back home as well. Yoga, Foodie things, places where weird people like me roam around, a kitchen to cook my own food from time to time, drum circles, hitchhiking, snorkeling, probably a bunch of beaches, hot surfer boys, why not. I am not rushing into extreme sightseeings. It’s amazing.
I became one of these eco bitches – I have a water bottle, I have a food container for take aways, I travelled three months with a hand luggage to avoid unnecessary purchases. It all works wonderfully. I take more boats, buses or trains if I can, I saw enough plastic and disgusting waste we pollute the planet with. It might seem stupid, but a little act goes a long way. You should try that too.
Where I am
Soon after the Asia wirlwind, I came back, and did all the things I considered “degrading” – I went back to working part time in retail, selling hipster clothing to people that were earning triple as I was, (loved it), I started to bartend, and I am still doing it. I work as a customer service agent where I can make use of all my languages. I teach meditation (more about that here) so laying back down on the floor created something for me after all, and I can even put into action my mother theresa syndrom where it’s truly needed. While holding space for others, allow people to feel and dive deep into their core desires. I am about to come out with my own range of CBD oil – who had known that I would EVER get interested into weed. I even do CBD infused meditation classes, the irony is that they’re the ones loved the most. Another coincidence to be grateful for.
I just embraced what was been thrown at me, the beauty of just letting things flow and analyzing less. And it made it possible for me to go out to Goa and do my teacher training, to come back to stability, and let things unfold naturally. As it is now I do a different range of things with only one rule: I have to enjoy it. Plus I believe that having multiple sources of income is key nowadays. It might change in the future, but for now, the one thing fits all isn’t for me.
Where I will be
I am using what I am good at. I choose things that nourish and make me grow. You will probably never beat the travel out of me, this is why I want to use this space more again to share my experiences. Not only the must sees, but what I take out of it as a person as well. Share reality after all along of my passions and pretty places. I met so many amazing people on the road this past years. I bet more are coming. Some dear ones stayed even through all the shits and light times. Some faded, but that’s how it’s supposed to work as well. That’s another way to learn acceptance.
I will go out and travel for longer next year again. To see more, to evolve even more. Part of it will be a series of teacher trainings. Another part probably planting my ass on a couple beaches. I have a few concerts lined up this fall. Some as a guest, some while working, some maybe as a photographer. I hope to fall in love for good, just to know how it is to have a mirror, to be fully accepted as you are, with no mindfucks and games – would be nice for a change. You see, I set my goals very minimal. Because plans can change, but daydreaming and manifesting for the next couple of months is doable. I am proud of how far I’ve come, what I’ve created so far, and what still will rise up. I did it all by myself. And this is only the beginning.
If you really read this far, wow, you survived 2000 words that wrapped up 2 years. You probably belong to those who know me for sure. From a party, from the past, from whenever. I hope the past two years of my life inspired you in a way. To maybe live more into the present, and not worry much about next year. To no let yourself define by any external factor or piece of paper. Only by yourself. “Live now. Cry later.” was invented in 2014. The fun thing is I only get it now. 🙂
To those I know, I hope you had fun. Send a text or show up in real life sometimes 😉
To anybody else who still sticked around, what a badass readership. thank you ❤